


NIFLHEIM PRESENTS

by vanitaslaughing



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUS AT ANY TIME PLACE OR UNIVERSE, No Spoilers, ardyns just being a nuisance., i swear its nothign screwed up, improper usage of bike horns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-08 00:09:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8821804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanitaslaughing/pseuds/vanitaslaughing
Summary: Regis Lucis Caelum, 113th King of Lucis, expected a declaration of war.What Niflheim sent, apparently, was their High Chancellor. Then again, after he enquired about it, no one really gave him an answer. The man was just there.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jonphaedrus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonphaedrus/gifts).



> PLEASE WATCH https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcRyjkYdDxM for full effect

Regis Lucis Caelum, 113th King of Lucis, expected a declaration of war.

What Niflheim sent, apparently, was their High Chancellor. Then again, after he enquired about it, no one really gave him an answer. The man was just _there_.

* * *

 

It had been his 9-year-old son Noctis who had alerted him of a weird presence outside of the Citadel when the kid was sitting on a windowsill much to every caretaker's distress. The king expected something like an envoy, or high-ranking Niflheim militaries.

Instead there stood Ardyn Izunia, the chancellor, with three very uncomfortable looking mercenaries behind him, completely wrapped in a one-pieced covered in... bike horns? Regis, fully prepared for a political debate, somehow deflated as Noctis clapped his small hands together.

"Dad, what does the horny man want?"

Several maids giggled, and Regis just picked his son off the windowsill. " _Don't_ say that. I'm quite sure he's just--"

He was interrupted by bike horns. Regis cringed and nearly dropped his son, Noctis screeched and the maids in the room almost jumped out of their uniforms. It was a loud, shrill noise - Regis only now noticed the stereo Izunia had somehow connected to these horns and his very unhappy looking brass band. Indeed, these mercenaries looked up with an unspoken apology in their eyes, before, in utter humiliation, the woman and the two men started playing their instruments.

It was a strange sight to behold, and Regis was tempted to put a hand over Noct's eyes; the kid had looked completely spooked and clearly was not enjoying this show.

"Verde."

"Yes, Sir?"

"Take Noctis and go find Scientia. Tell him he's excused from his studies today and that he is to keep Noctis company until further notice. I will handle... this."

The maid nodded hurriedly with a bow, then gently took his by now bawling son from his arms. Hopefully they would find young Ignis, who had an unusual knack for keeping Noctis calm. Regis, on the other hand, left the room through another door and started marching downstairs and towards the source of the noise. Every single servant and employee he passed on the way down looked wildly uncomfortable, some even having their ears covered with mufflers or their hands. It had been ten minutes since the man had started this noise, and every single person in a 100 metre radius was uncomfortably staring out of the windows and watched as the king marched towards his rude and uninvited guests.

The mercenaries looked at the king with apologetic glints in their eyes, they even stopped for a second. Which was immediately snarled at as the chancellor continued his strange... dance... with these bike horns.

"Chancellor Izunia, to what do I owe this..." He looked at the mercenaries again, "pleasure?"

He got no answer other than more apologetic looks as the man continued his mad horn concert. After a few minutes King Regis Lucis Caelum orderdc himself a tactical withdrawal back into the Citadel and spent about an hour crouched on the throne witha headache rapidly developing as the unwarranted horn concert continued. Eventually there was a knock on the door, and Noctis slunk in with Ignis at his heels, and both children looked completely drained.

"Dad, I wanted to nap but I can't sleep..."

They had no idea their torment had just begun.

Izunia withdrew as the sun set, and a collective sigh of relief went through every single person at Citadel. Noctis nearly immediately fell asleep with Ignis next to him, and even Regis had to admit he just wanted to drop dead after this hellish headache he had gotten from the noise.

He was rudely awoken by the sound of horns the next day, and nearly screamed. Noctis, on the other hand, was already bawling and judging by the noise he had been doing so for a few minutes. At least ten servants and maids had gathered and tried to soothe the young prince, who looked as if he hadn't slept at all and was clinging to his future advisor as if his life depended on it.

After a week of this nonsense everyone pretty much brought something to muffle the noise, but the next day the chancellor appeared and his performance began even louder.  
After two weeks it appeared in the local newspaper, under the headline of "Horn Man Torments Citadel". Regis was wishing the Archaeon would appear at this point and pummel Izunia to a fine mince on the ground, holding meteors be damned.

After a month all of Insomnia knew and called it "King Regis' Curse" - how pathetic, calling a weird man with three extremely fed-up looking mercenaries a curse. At least Noctis had gotten somewhat used to the bike horns at this point and wouldn't cry nearly all day anymore.

After one and a half months, Regis nearly threw a flask of Fira at the horn torment. But he was stopped by Captain Drautos of the Kingsglaive, and Regis recalled that the mercenaries were most likely paid for this nonsense and didn't really have much of a choice if they wanted to make a living.

Once what people by then called "Izunia's Horn Show" passed the three months anniversary, he finally snapped. He ordered Cor Leonis to follow the man and the mercenaries, and bribe the three hired musicians into switching sides just to at least stop the brass band's terrible noise. It worked without a hitch, the three called Aranea, Biggs and Wedge switched sides without even having to be bribed; Aranea later admitted during an audience with the king that she had hoped Cor had been sent to put an end to her miserable life. All during the audience the honking of bike horns continued.

At the five month mark, Ignis Scientia, known for being an endless fountain of patience despite his age, snapped. He had never seen the child throw a hissy fit, but as he threw this completely and utterly undignified temper tantrum and hurled the worst words he knew at Izunia, Regis had to smile. It was refreshing to see that he was still a child despite all (even if he had to cover Noct's ears, because some words were not meant for children as young as him).

The tenth month began even louder than before, once more remdining Regis how unusually persistent this man was. The never-ending bike horns were something most of Insomnia had just accepted, and every single person employed at the Citadel had gone way beyond their breaking point. Everyone, from now 10-year-old Noctis to even the oldest steward slunk by in apathy, triyng to ignore the neverending cacophony outside.

* * *

 

Ten months and five days after he had began, Regis noticed a suspicious absence of bike horns. The next thing he heard was Noctis knocking on his door with a very tiny and frightened "Dad?".

He opened the door and got on his knees to be at the same eye-level as his son.

"The weird horny man isn't here today... I already checked..."

"Didn't I tell you _not_ to call him that... But anyway. He's gone, you say?"

"Y-Yes...?"

Everyone warily paced near the windows for the entire day, but Ardyn Izunia, High Chancellor of Niflheim, never appeared. And with him being absent, the sound of sweet, sweet silence filled the Citadel.

At least for two months, but everyone didn't know that when they all collectively sighed in relief and decided not to talk about the "Horn-y Man" incident ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> any complaints about why this even exists (i dont know either), please forward them to aethercurrent.tumblr.com or twitter.com/estinien_
> 
> im blaming everyone on twitter (you people know who you are) for not stopping me when THIS really needed to be stopped. its half past midnight and i cant stop laughing at myself


End file.
